EVERY TRAILER: He was the best at crime. He stopped because he was cool. But now, someone nice will die unless he crimes again. COOL CRIME.

BEHIND THE SCENES: In the movie xXx, under his neck tattoo, Vin Diesel had more X’s and 0’s in a grid on his back. The man played hard.

GRITTY REBOOT: Tin Man wanted a heart. Scarecrow wanted a brain. Lion hid from them, cradling a gun, praying for courage.

HEIST: He got the old team together: Safecracker. Tech wiz. Seductress. Master of disguise. Acrobat. Lion tamer. Three clowns in a tiny car.

FANTASY: Although he was undeniably rugged, muscular and virile, very few kidnapped princesses were ever rescued by Onan the Barbarian.

CLASSIC: An arrow struck Achilles’ ankle. He screamed and cursed the heavens. Why did it have to be his heel? That was his… Death Star vent.

SUPERHERO: Spiderman’s enemies finally defeat him with a giant glass and a large piece of cardboard.

CAROL: On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love was arrested for animal endangerment, noise pollution and kidnapped aristocracy.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Proofread every tweet I right.

SPORT: MIT’s soccer team wanted a Mexican Wave from the fans, but, since only Tim was watching, they had to make do with a Mexican Particle.