FACT: Youtube was first invented in the 80’s when someone played a home movie and then wrote out Mein Kampf underneath it in crayon.

HORROR: The results of the pre-mortem were conclusive. Death by dissection.

PROVERB: When life gets you tired, make tirade.

FACT: Lightsabers are silent, but attract wasps.

DRUNK PLATITUDE: Make a man self-sufficient, and you feed him for a lifetime. TEACH a man to self-suffish and you… you… also... do that.

ARCHAEOLOGY: Dig through the strata. uncover the past. Pottery shards. Bones. Ash. An unused flier for a service to clean your dorm room.

RELIGION: Sadly, dinosaurs were only on Noah’s stretch-goals.

EDUCATION: In an attempt to make Shakespeare relevant to today’s youth, the drama dept put on “Timon of Athens” performed entirely in sexts.

EPIC: “My first word is a donkey. My second is an opening.” Hercules frowned. It was surprisingly easy to solve the Riddle of the Sphincter.

RELIGION: And God said, Let us make man in our image. And Adam was the selfie of the Lord.