Eulogy: Tim died in a fire. His dominatrix gave a touching speech at the funeral. "Tim died doing what he loved: screaming in pain."


Crime: Dozens of Joggers were mugged. Police were baffled. No one suspected the local gym, where membership tripled.


Biblical: "Go Forth And Multiply," God told Noah. And, being human, Noah assumed he was talking about sex. Not maths.


Religious: The cleaner found a card in the confessional. It had a grid of sins on it. "What's this?" she asked. "Bingo," said the priest.


Film History: April 1 1950: Kurosawa releases many different versions of Rashomon, freaking the critics when they read each others' reviews.


Biography: She wandered around with gin and a sword. "Majesty," said the butler, "You can't knight a toaster." "Sir toaster," she corrected.


DIY: Screws are alive, and breed when exposed to light. The offspring will appear just after you put whatever you were fixing back together.


Biography: The televangelist had many sleepless nights in his mansion trying to redefine the words "rich", "camel" and "eye of the needle".


Geeky: He took his car in to have the alignment of his wheels fixed. They came back Lawful Good.


Proverb: A phrase that rhymes and feels nice / Isn't always the best advise / I prefer sayings more concise / Like: "Don't Be A Twat."